There were several reports circulating Southend that morning about a couple lying in a rubber dinghy off the pier and constable Wool, a God fearing Presbyterian preacher, was finding any reason he could to put off investigating these reports for as long as he could in the hope he would get there too late to witness anything which may cause him to stir the animal in his loin. It is widely known to have lain dormant since he found his calling some ten years ago, he is oblivious to the fact that his daughter is now about to have her seventh birthday party and that the immaculate conception is not usually known in the backstreets of Southend and he may perhaps be able to attribute his daughters youth more to the nightly visits, whilst he is on late shift, of the Southend football team. Her dark skin colour is perhaps more attributable to the ancestry of the full back of the team who are derived from the West Indies than the fresh sea air coming up the Thames estuary. By the time that Constable Wool had arrived at the pier the boat was empty and Carruthers was nowhere to be seen. Nevertheless it was with a certain trepidation that he steeled himself to peer over the side of the railings just in case he hadn’t found a sufficient list of jobs to do to keep him occupied until the business had been done.
The young people of Southend would taunt him regularly and try and lure him down the back alleys of Southend’s less affluent areas only to be surrounded by flashers of all shapes and sizes. “Halt in the name of the law “, did seem to lose some of its gravitas when shouted by a cowering constable trying desperately not to peer between his fingers at the scenes which were before him. His reports on the incidents did contain large portions of blank paper where he claimed to have written detail in his mind so that only he and the Lord would know the levels of depravity going on in his town and prevent anyone from reading his sordid accounts. The truth was that he was unable to understand most of what he witnessed and didn’t want to let anyone know of his woeful inexperience in matters carnal. A fact borne out by his inability to understand that his daughter’s youthful age could be a matter of some concern if he indeed had not experienced the wicked ways of lust and temptation for the ten full years that he proclaimed weekly from the pulpit.
Having learnt, from opening and reading the General’s letters as was his custom, purely on a need to know basis, of Carruthers and agent Juliana being jettisoned from the submarine for Carruthers suspected bad behaviour, Gideon felt that there was a possibility of some serious ‘tutting’ to be done at his former colleagues expense and he jumped aboard the first train that could take him anywhere near Southend. Arriving in the town the following morning and hearing of the couple in the boat tied to the end of the pier, Gideon was immediately off to see whether there were any charges that Carruthers could be placed on. Having arrived on the pier and realising that Carruthers was already elsewhere, Gideon proceeded to ‘inspect’ the lifeboat house. There was a lot there he could report on and even sharpened his pencil for the occasion. Armed with his clipboard, his freshly sharpened pencil, a ream of paper and a tape measure he gleefully set about his self appointed task and busily measured and tutted his way around the life boat station. Having found several wellington boots and oilskins seriously out of line in their racks he felt a great sense of achievement which inspired him to inspect further and clamber aboard the life boat itself. No sooner had he done so than a manic scream and laughter emitted from the shadows at the b
ack of the shed. With a shout of “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” the lifeboat and Gideon were launched down the ramps with great speed and a lot of splashing. Momentum lost and no engine running to propel the boat further forward, it soon drifted aimlessly away from the shoreline with one Gideon frantically making notes and placing himself on a charge. He hadn’t found Carruthers although he had certainly felt the effect, but his day certainly was not a waste as he had at least managed to place someone on a charge.
To the untrained and unconnected it would seem that hostilities were in fact still very much on going and to one Jimmie Spurt, an aged gentleman, hard of hearing, with poor vision and too obstinate to acknowledge it or do anything about it, the Gerry’s were indeed making their latest attempt at world domination by preventing the paddle steamers from docking at Southend pier. Jimmie had been in the Home Guard after a distinguished career in the British Army serving in several campaigns. Distinguished, that is, by a total lack of distinction and the campaigns were in fact as an admin assistant in several recruitment drives by the army, but by the selective omission of key facts he felt he had earned the right to strut down the promenade telling the youth of the town how they should respect someone of his experience. A sinking feeling had descended over a once buoyant mood within the Home Guard platoon when he informed them it was his duty to avail them of his experience and join up. But a quick thinking Captain placed him in an ‘important position necessary for the protection of His Majesty’s kingdom’, the truth was that Whitehall had decreed that Southend Pier was a likely point of invasion, presumably because the last mile to the shore would have been by train. So at great expense a gun had been sited at the end of the pier to scare off any Gerry warship which had got lost in the channel and which no-one had so far been pissed enough to volunteer to man. So private Jimmie Spurt was given sole charge of the thing and the only live round that could be found to fit an obsolete model such as this, the end of the Pier became a no-go zone until well after the end of the war. With his poor sight there was generally felt to be no guarantee which way he was pointing it and being a mile out to sea there was a good chance in the event of a firing it may miss the town either way. With Jimmie well employed at the end of the pier the rest of the town became a more peaceable place, so he was left on guard for sometime after hostilities ended. Carruthers, having had great fun launching the lifeboat was now looking around for more to launch down the slip way and settled upon the new delivery of fuel and oil for the lifeboat in large drums and was amusing himself further by launching these. To Jimmie Spurt these were depth charges that hadn’t sunk and the whole pier was once again at war with what for him had always been an unseen enemy. The gun emplacement was still at the end of the pier and Jimmie always had the key in his waistcoat pocket and began fumbling in his pocket as he shuffled with a sense of urgency down the length of the pier to his beloved gun. With only the one round ever to be found that would fit the gun it had been guarded carefully by Jimmie throughout although on one occasion it had been fired at a passing seagull by a bored eighteen year old delinquent who had been sent down to the end of the pier more as a punishment for some misdemeanour on a Friday night than for any recognition of talent or responsibility. The round failed to go off and landed with a large plop in the sea and for a week after that, at low tides Jimmie could be seen wandering the mud flats looking for it. His searches were eventually rewarded and the thing was restored and recharged and replaced back in his ammo box on the pier. The ammo box had been left with the gun, presumably for collection and destruction along with the gun when eventually the war office remembered it was there. Jimmie excitedly unlocked the chains from around his gun and with a sense of pride brushed the seagull nest from the breach and fought off the disgruntled incumbent as he slid the round into the breach and scanned the horizon for the warship responsible. The only dark hazy shape he could see within range must, in his opinion, have been the vessel responsible for these depth charges floating around the pier and so took careful aim at a coal barge making its way to the town gas pier. With his tongue curling out of the corner of his mouth in concentration and his hand all of a quiver with a sense of anticipation he squeezed the trigger! So with a characteristic ‘Wump!’ of the gun firing, the shell left the barrel and lodged itself in the rudder of the barge, the shell hadn’t exploded on its last firing and really was not expected to on this occasion, so living up to expectation, that’s exactly where it stayed; intact! This did have a slightly destabilising effect on the general performance of the barge, limiting it to its current rudder direction, plus or minus a couple of degrees! This left it in a gradual arc around the end of the pier and then straight through the pier structure about half way down leaving Jimmie and Carruthers on an instantly man-made island of steel and timber. This left Carruthers marooned with someone who was arguably as big an idiot as he was and Juliana having gone for help to get Carruthers off the pier was on the land side of what was now a gaping hole in the pier decking. Carruthers found the whole situation hysterical, Jimmie Spurt found the whole situation intolerable and was writing letters to MP’s, the King and the War Office on the back of his ammo box, Juliana was getting more concerned by the minute as Carruthers medication would soon start to wear off. Gideon was absolutely beside himself on the life boat as from his vantage point he had witnessed in his estimation at least eight occasions where Kings Orders had been contravened during the incident(s) and he felt sure that there must have been several naval rules broken during the removal of 70 feet of bridge decking and about thirty piles although that would need clarification when he could speak to the proper authorities. There could be an opportunity here to find a high ranking officer to tut beside.
The young people of Southend would taunt him regularly and try and lure him down the back alleys of Southend’s less affluent areas only to be surrounded by flashers of all shapes and sizes. “Halt in the name of the law “, did seem to lose some of its gravitas when shouted by a cowering constable trying desperately not to peer between his fingers at the scenes which were before him. His reports on the incidents did contain large portions of blank paper where he claimed to have written detail in his mind so that only he and the Lord would know the levels of depravity going on in his town and prevent anyone from reading his sordid accounts. The truth was that he was unable to understand most of what he witnessed and didn’t want to let anyone know of his woeful inexperience in matters carnal. A fact borne out by his inability to understand that his daughter’s youthful age could be a matter of some concern if he indeed had not experienced the wicked ways of lust and temptation for the ten full years that he proclaimed weekly from the pulpit.
Having learnt, from opening and reading the General’s letters as was his custom, purely on a need to know basis, of Carruthers and agent Juliana being jettisoned from the submarine for Carruthers suspected bad behaviour, Gideon felt that there was a possibility of some serious ‘tutting’ to be done at his former colleagues expense and he jumped aboard the first train that could take him anywhere near Southend. Arriving in the town the following morning and hearing of the couple in the boat tied to the end of the pier, Gideon was immediately off to see whether there were any charges that Carruthers could be placed on. Having arrived on the pier and realising that Carruthers was already elsewhere, Gideon proceeded to ‘inspect’ the lifeboat house. There was a lot there he could report on and even sharpened his pencil for the occasion. Armed with his clipboard, his freshly sharpened pencil, a ream of paper and a tape measure he gleefully set about his self appointed task and busily measured and tutted his way around the life boat station. Having found several wellington boots and oilskins seriously out of line in their racks he felt a great sense of achievement which inspired him to inspect further and clamber aboard the life boat itself. No sooner had he done so than a manic scream and laughter emitted from the shadows at the b
ack of the shed. With a shout of “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” the lifeboat and Gideon were launched down the ramps with great speed and a lot of splashing. Momentum lost and no engine running to propel the boat further forward, it soon drifted aimlessly away from the shoreline with one Gideon frantically making notes and placing himself on a charge. He hadn’t found Carruthers although he had certainly felt the effect, but his day certainly was not a waste as he had at least managed to place someone on a charge.To the untrained and unconnected it would seem that hostilities were in fact still very much on going and to one Jimmie Spurt, an aged gentleman, hard of hearing, with poor vision and too obstinate to acknowledge it or do anything about it, the Gerry’s were indeed making their latest attempt at world domination by preventing the paddle steamers from docking at Southend pier. Jimmie had been in the Home Guard after a distinguished career in the British Army serving in several campaigns. Distinguished, that is, by a total lack of distinction and the campaigns were in fact as an admin assistant in several recruitment drives by the army, but by the selective omission of key facts he felt he had earned the right to strut down the promenade telling the youth of the town how they should respect someone of his experience. A sinking feeling had descended over a once buoyant mood within the Home Guard platoon when he informed them it was his duty to avail them of his experience and join up. But a quick thinking Captain placed him in an ‘important position necessary for the protection of His Majesty’s kingdom’, the truth was that Whitehall had decreed that Southend Pier was a likely point of invasion, presumably because the last mile to the shore would have been by train. So at great expense a gun had been sited at the end of the pier to scare off any Gerry warship which had got lost in the channel and which no-one had so far been pissed enough to volunteer to man. So private Jimmie Spurt was given sole charge of the thing and the only live round that could be found to fit an obsolete model such as this, the end of the Pier became a no-go zone until well after the end of the war. With his poor sight there was generally felt to be no guarantee which way he was pointing it and being a mile out to sea there was a good chance in the event of a firing it may miss the town either way. With Jimmie well employed at the end of the pier the rest of the town became a more peaceable place, so he was left on guard for sometime after hostilities ended. Carruthers, having had great fun launching the lifeboat was now looking around for more to launch down the slip way and settled upon the new delivery of fuel and oil for the lifeboat in large drums and was amusing himself further by launching these. To Jimmie Spurt these were depth charges that hadn’t sunk and the whole pier was once again at war with what for him had always been an unseen enemy. The gun emplacement was still at the end of the pier and Jimmie always had the key in his waistcoat pocket and began fumbling in his pocket as he shuffled with a sense of urgency down the length of the pier to his beloved gun. With only the one round ever to be found that would fit the gun it had been guarded carefully by Jimmie throughout although on one occasion it had been fired at a passing seagull by a bored eighteen year old delinquent who had been sent down to the end of the pier more as a punishment for some misdemeanour on a Friday night than for any recognition of talent or responsibility. The round failed to go off and landed with a large plop in the sea and for a week after that, at low tides Jimmie could be seen wandering the mud flats looking for it. His searches were eventually rewarded and the thing was restored and recharged and replaced back in his ammo box on the pier. The ammo box had been left with the gun, presumably for collection and destruction along with the gun when eventually the war office remembered it was there. Jimmie excitedly unlocked the chains from around his gun and with a sense of pride brushed the seagull nest from the breach and fought off the disgruntled incumbent as he slid the round into the breach and scanned the horizon for the warship responsible. The only dark hazy shape he could see within range must, in his opinion, have been the vessel responsible for these depth charges floating around the pier and so took careful aim at a coal barge making its way to the town gas pier. With his tongue curling out of the corner of his mouth in concentration and his hand all of a quiver with a sense of anticipation he squeezed the trigger! So with a characteristic ‘Wump!’ of the gun firing, the shell left the barrel and lodged itself in the rudder of the barge, the shell hadn’t exploded on its last firing and really was not expected to on this occasion, so living up to expectation, that’s exactly where it stayed; intact! This did have a slightly destabilising effect on the general performance of the barge, limiting it to its current rudder direction, plus or minus a couple of degrees! This left it in a gradual arc around the end of the pier and then straight through the pier structure about half way down leaving Jimmie and Carruthers on an instantly man-made island of steel and timber. This left Carruthers marooned with someone who was arguably as big an idiot as he was and Juliana having gone for help to get Carruthers off the pier was on the land side of what was now a gaping hole in the pier decking. Carruthers found the whole situation hysterical, Jimmie Spurt found the whole situation intolerable and was writing letters to MP’s, the King and the War Office on the back of his ammo box, Juliana was getting more concerned by the minute as Carruthers medication would soon start to wear off. Gideon was absolutely beside himself on the life boat as from his vantage point he had witnessed in his estimation at least eight occasions where Kings Orders had been contravened during the incident(s) and he felt sure that there must have been several naval rules broken during the removal of 70 feet of bridge decking and about thirty piles although that would need clarification when he could speak to the proper authorities. There could be an opportunity here to find a high ranking officer to tut beside.
